It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything on here, but i’m hoping I will be able to find some time to post more often. However, while mister is getting in a quick snooze, I wanted to post something that has been on my mind a lot lately.
About a month and half ago, I was asked by a friend how it was being pregnant and having a baby after loosing our twins. Then, on one of our Sunday trips to the cemetery to see our boys, I made a statement to my husband and I was shocked by his answer.
Lets start at the beginning.
Deciding to try for another baby after we lost our twins was the most terrifying decision we have ever made. For us, its not “Oh, we decided this, lets give it a few months and hopefully it will happen!” It’s more of a call to the fertility clinic, go through lab draws, ultrasounds, injections, surgery, a few thousand dollars, an embryo transfer, and a whole heck of a lot of prayers that it all worked.
We lost our twins the last day in January and the first day of February. In March, a nurse from the fertility clinic called to “Check in and see how the pregnancy was going”. I bluntly told her that we had lost the twins about a month ago and i’m sure made her feel utterly horrible. We then had an appointment to see our fertility doctor in a few weeks to discuss our options.
After talking with my doctor, discussing it together, saying lots of prayers and MANY trips to the temple, we decided to go ahead with an embryo transfer. Luckily, we were blessed to become pregnant.
Three days before I was to have my blood drawn to tell us if I was pregnant for sure or not, I took a pregnancy test at home. As the two lines appeared, the fear, anxiety, worry, and grief washed over.
When I was pregnant with the twins, I did it all that a first time mom does, especially one who is a planner like myself.
I started stocking up on diapers, wipes, clothes, planned out the nursery, started painting the nursery, bought furniture for the nursery, everything you can think of. When we lost the twins, my mom and niece went to our house while I was still in the hospital and put anything baby related into the nursery and closed the door. That door stayed closed for a good two months.
With my second pregnancy, EVERYTHING was different.
We didn’t tell hardly anyone but our families for a good little while. We didn’t announce on social media until we were reassured for the umpteenth time that things were going great. We didn’t take weekly bump pictures. We didn’t have a gender reveal party. I didn’t buy anything baby related until I was 24 weeks. I listened to his heart beat every night with the doppler that we had purchased. We happened to move while I was pregnant, so a nursery wasn’t put together until right before he was born. A hospital bag was packed when I was discharged the first time for pre-term labor. EVERYTHING happened differently.
Now, I’m sure I sound utterly crazy to you. However, I’ve been reassured by my doctor that I am NOT crazy! Ha.
Grief is a funny thing, and every one grieves differently.
The entire time I was pregnant, I was terrified. Terrified that I was going to give birth and only hold my little peanut for a short time before he returned home. Terrified that one of the ultrasounds would show that his heart had stopped. Terrified that I was going to have to bury another child.
Basically, what i’m saying, unless you’ve been through a loss like this, you don’t really fully understand. And if you have been through a loss like this, I’m sure some of this sounds all too familiar.
Luke is now four months old. We lost the twins over a year ago. And guess what? I still grieve them. I still miss them every day. I still occasionally find my self sad, and sometimes shed some tears for them. I worry frequently that something is going to happen to Luke. But, as my doctor has told me, He would be more concerned if I didn’t have these fears.
Going back to what I stated earlier. When my friend asked me, I told her it was hard, because it was. It’s the hardest thing we’ve had to do. I told her I still grieve, because I do. I wish that it was a walk in the park, but it isn’t.
Alex’s part of the conversation that day as we were driving through the cemetery is what has stuck with me the most. He told me that if we hadn’t experienced that, we wouldn’t nearly be the people that we are today. We wouldn’t have the faith that we have. We wouldn’t have the understanding of the atonement that we do. We wouldn’t have met the amazing people that we have, and we wouldn’t have grown to the better people that we are.
So, there you have it. The truth of what its been like living the life after loss, and moving on.